Yeah, I stated a blog. Big Whoop, wanna fightaboutit?
This blog was started for my idiot friends who actually, for reasons I will never understand, seem to care what I think. Yeah, seriously. I don’t have any idea why anyone would actually care/read what I write, I’m just an average, angry, cynical, narrow-minded, spiteful, short-tempered, tortured genius. Though there are some who consider me the next Kerouac, most consider me to be just an asshole with a lot of spare time who curses a lot. Maybe they’re both right.
So for my first post I’m going to post the previous email I wrote, just in case there are people out there who didn’t get a chance to read it. My system for emails is simple. There isn’t one. If i get bored while studying, and write something, I don’t have specific people in mind to send something to, I just send it to the first 3-4 people i think of, and if they think it’s worth forwarding, I leave it to them. Hopefully, by instituting this blog, those people who were offended that I have not been emailing them my musings will be able to check in and see for themselves what horrible acts of bigotry I’ve come up with. Without further ado: my previous ranting email…
I’m writing you all this email because i just can’t take it anymore. here is a list of however many things i write out before i get bored that people do to piss me off.
1. excessive facebookers – don’t get me wrong. i love facebook as much as the next guy. but that asshat mark zucker needs to scale the book back if you ask me. first off. i hate it, HATE IT, when people update their status every goddamn 30 minutes. I DON’T GIVE A FUCKING RATS ASS IF YOU’RE “SOOO EXCITED TO SEE TWILIGHT TONIGHT WITH THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!!!” OR “FEELING GREAT AFTER A GYM WORKOUT. YES!” OR “STUDYING IN THE LIBRARY. YUCK.” i hate to shatter your pathetic little sheltered world but nobody gives a flying fuck. and even worse are the people who comment on other people’s statuts. really? you have to be the lamest person in the entire fucking world to sit around on facebook and comb through people’s status updates and write a response to it. jerking off is more productive. i can’t stand to see status messages like “lost my phone. but actually loving the fact that people can’t find me!” and seeing this comment, “oh totally. we are such slaves to our phones. i mean it’s just ridiculous.” FUCK YOU. what the hell is wrong with that person? did she think she was actually contributing in anyway to anything beyond her bloated sense of self-worth? it’s just sickening how much people in our society think others (namely me) give a snail’s cooch what they think. we don’t. keep your comments to yourself, and take a fucking report.
2. people who have excessive pride in things that no reasonable person could have pride in – we’ve all seen the old American Eagle Rugby shirts, and the Abercrombie & Fitch co-ed naked tennis shirts. those are irritating, but tolerable, because those people don’t actually believe that the are a part of some whimsical absurd sports franchise based on their wearing a brand name t-shirt. I’m talking about people who sport shirts like University of Utah Men’s Water Polo. Are you fucking serious? or SUNY Albany Marching Band. Kill yourself. if that is the thing about your life that you wish for me to know about you based solely on what you are wearing then i am no longer afraid of competing against you in law school. Not only are you advertising a serious deficiency in judgment, but also that you play the skin flute like yo-yo ma plays the cello.
3. people who claim they can taste the difference between bottled water brands – you can’t. shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me that you’re upset because this vending machine only has Dasani and you want Poland Spring. It’s fucking water you dipshit, drink it. I’m sorry that this particular batch of water wasn’t cascading through the rivers of main from some Canadian gacier 2 weeks ago but i’m pretty sure that if i blindfolded you, put 9 cups of varying kinds of bottled water in front of you, and told you to tell me which one was Poland Fucking Spring Water, you would pick Evion everytime. You pretentious prick, deal with the fact that the world isn’t perfect, water is water, and your dick is 2 inches long. Trying to convince people that you’re sophisticated bated on water selection is like trying to convince a hooker you’ll respect her in the morning.
4. gays – enough said
5. people who still think candidates are campaigning – listen people. Obama won. I’m not happy about it but that’s the way it is. I’m not pull that sissy shit and claim I’m moving to Canada or Mexico because my candidate lost and the world as we know it is going to be shred to pieces. But for the fucking love of all that is holy in the world stop trying to convince me that captain changetastic is the savior of the human race. it’s NEVER going to work on me. I’m not saying I wouldn’t go fishing with the man, I’m just saying i disagree with his principles and some of the decisions he has already made (i think Hildawg was piss poor choice, yeah fuck you too femininists, she is a dirty politician at a time when we need someone with honesty and integrity to be our liason to the outside world). This applies to both parties, I can’t stand conservatives who have no idea what they’re arguing for either. I am fine with debates, discussions, and the like, but when people tell me i NEED to get on board with Obama because he is the only hope we’ve got I wanna bust a nut in their eye socket. The indoctrination can end. Especially among uneducated voters who have no effing clue what people in washington do except sign their welfare checks. There is one guy who stands outside of where i go to school and sings the same effing song about Obama to the tune of “I can see clearly now” every day. I can see clearly now, Obama’s won. We can beat all the obstacles in the way. Listen up you jobless, hopeless, motivationless drain on the american economy, it’s all well and good that you finally support the white house administration, but you don’t need to stop groups of people everyday just to try and convince them that Obama is a better choice, the election is over, or are you so effing stupid you didn’t even know that?
6. people who have those backpacks that roll behind them – WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE DRAGGING THAT THING, ASSHOLE. It wouldn’t be so bad if those inconsiderate pricks were watching where those things were going but they never check to see if the way is clear and they never apologize for whacking you in the kneecap even if you say OW! so loud you KNOW they heard you. A lot of this problem is simple to analyze. The culprits are 95% little asian girls. Maybe they’re inconsiderate, maybe they’re oblivious, maybe they’re just dumb as a pile of horseshit in the corner of a barn… anyway you look at it, it needs to stop. And while we’re on the topic, is anyone else always irritated by the way little asian girls laugh? It’s like their going into cardiac arrest or something. their eyes finally open enough so that you can see what color they are, always brown by the way, and they turn beet red and make a noise that makes you think a soprano donkey is being choked to death with garote wire. In conclusion, little asian girls, pay attention to where you drag those monstruous rolling backpacks and stop laughing with irregular breathing patterns, some of us would really like our lunches to come out of our ass, not our throat.
7. people on the subway who listen to their music so loud, it actually drowns out my ipod – i don’t mean to be racist but a solid 100% of the time it is a black person listening to either R&B or some shitty new club wannabe rap/hip hop song. Uhhh excuse me, i realize that in your egocentric universe, no one elses preferences matter, but here, in reality, i don’t need to be subjected to your poor taste. i already have to look at you (you’re probably dressed like a complete muppet based on your music selection), i don’t need any further insight into why you are the failure that you’ve no doubt turned out to be. How would you like it if i found a way to blast beethoven so loud that you couldn’t hear the new Weezy fiasco? Beethoven was a classical composer, just so you fully understand…yeah, from like before 1980. You would most likely shrivel up or curl into the fetal position, I’m pretty sure getting real culture is like cryptonite to thug posers. I do get some consolation, however, from the knowledge that you will be deaf by the time i graduate law school, and that means the only thing you’ll be able to hear are your own thoughts, which is punishment enough for me.
8. Everybody who has at some point promised to make me a key to the 5 w. 31st street apartment and never did – honestly? is that hard? or am i just that easy to forget about? i have completely given up asking because i’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s just never gonna happen. I will stand out in the fucking cold and make one of you get up and buzz the damn door, stand there for an extra 8 seconds, and call up the elevator.
9. people who ask questions they know the answers to but know that you don’t know the answer to (no, this does not except teachers) – why the hell are you fucking asking if you already know? if i don’t know tell me. we shouldn’t be playing this stupid fucking cat and mouse game of “i know something you don’t know, and i’ll tell you, but i’m gonna make you work for it first.” hey cuntbag, how about you just tell me, save us some time, and then i won’t have to kick you in the balls? sound good? sweet. i am so sick being treated like a 5 year old, it’s getting beyond unreasonable. Fuck the socratic method. Using the socratic method you cover roughly .01% of the amount you could cover if you just told me what i needed to know. I’m not buying this bullshit of “you’ll remember it better if you come to the conclusion on your own.” Wrong, i’ll remember it better if i have a clear head when i learn it, right now all i can think about is ripping out your throat and seeing how far i can shove it up your rectum…will it come out your mouth? or will the inevitable cavity i will have to create to get your throat out be the orifice it pops through? See how much more fun it is to ask questions that NEITHER of us know the answer to?
that’s all my ranting for now. Perlman, what can i say about you that hasn’t already been said about keanue reeves acting teacher?
ptown
