Guess what, if you’re unfortunate enough to be friends with me there will probably come a time when I will dedicate an entire post to something either foolish you’ve done, or just the way you live your life. Today’s celebrity/victim: Cyrus Amini.
Those of you who know me (and if you don’t know me, how the hell did you find this obscure and offensive blog?) will know that it is patently absurd that I call anyone else poor. I have long been the most financially unstable person ever to set foot in the 9 lounge. But I submit to you a political op-ed informal study on modern poverty in America through the eyes of one Cyrus Amini.
So without further adieu, the geneal malais of an alcohol addled mind:
I submit to you, dear readers, that attitudes about poverty have changed since the last major recession we’ve had. When the market crashed in 1929, unemployment and poverty were rampant immediately. Shit hit the proverbial fan like Bilsky hits jumpshots, or would if he was actually good at basketball. But people were not content with unemployment then. They wanted to get a job, the prevailing thoughts were not “Gee, I wunnah ha’ lawng da gubmen gonna gimme dat chek, Obama fuheva”, it was more “Dear Lady Penelope, I am utterly aghast to admit to you that I have been laid off from my prestigious position as a box transporter at the local fish retrieval station. In these times of dire problems, I am confident that government will assist us with the bare essentials until I am able to secure employment once again. I will not rest until I have this family back on its feet.”
Back then, people knew they were poor, and they were either embarassed about it, or motivated by it. Today, people know they are poor and are borderline complacent about it.
Understanding this, I put to you this question: Is Cyrus Amini the posterchild for modern poverty in America? Let’s discuss.
Cyrus lost his very impressive and prestigious job at BofA a few months ago. No one disputes this, I challenge anyone to say that they were more upset than me. I think I was more upset than Cyrus, he was definitely my sugar daddy. But let us examine how Cyrus has reacted to the pink slip blues.
1. Cyrus went to every civilized continent outside of North America. No, Australia and Africa aren’t civilized. And largely for the same reason. They both still have significant populations that hunt with boomerangs. A boomerang is a foam toy you give to a 10 year old boy at a park when you wanna hit on that cute Milf across the parking lot. EVERYBODY knows those damn things don’t work, guess that’s probably while they’re still wearing loincloths.
2. Cyrus still buys Blu-Ray dvds like they might stop producing them tomorrow. Number of copies of the Covenant on Blu-Ray sold: 10. Number of copies of One Missed Call on Blu-Ray sold: 6. Number of copies of Step Up 2: Step Up 2 The Streets on Blu-Ray sold: 15. Number of copies of The Mist on Blu-Ray sold: 50. Number of copies of the Entire Rambo set on Blu-Ray sold: 9. Number of people who own all of the above: 1.
3. Cyrus drinks till he blacks out, but not because of depression over losing his job, just cuz. Somehow, however, he was able to rationally wait till we got him in that tiny cramped elevator before he starting wildly throwing punches. Luckily he telegraphs like Don Flamingo in Punch-Out.
4. Cyrus admits that he is not jewish, but staunchly defends that his money is.
5. Cyrus’s core lifestyle has not changed one bit. The only real change is that now he has time to do all the fun stuff he’s always wanted to. Like travel to…Rhode Island, a lot (Okay, and Italy, Argentina, Colorado, and other fun places). But honestly, he still gets bon-chon at least once a week.
6. The only job I have heard Cyrus intimate that he was considering taking was being some sort of executive in a beef exportation indusry in Argentina. wtf?
7. There are wide rumors and speculations about the personal debt Cyrus has incurred in his attempt to personally jumpstart the economy.
8. Even though he is no longer in the financial industry, and is taking placement tests for law, business, and probably others as well, Cyrus still reads more about the fixed income derivatives and emerging markets than anyone I know that still has a job in it. I had to go to http://www.dealbreaker.com just to find words i could use to put in there. Thank you, Evans, I still hate you though.
9. Cyrus refuses to go too long without visiting the hookah shop. Cyrus has been there so frequently, and is so innately charming, that the last time I was there with him, the guy not only recognized Cyrus, but reminded him that he needed coals, and proceeded to tell Cyrus a story that involved both Matt Damon and Johnny Depp which I am 99% certain was totally fabricated to impress Cryus. Or maybe they’re just cousins, they both have dark skin. I can never tell.
So let’s put it all together. Does Cyrus embody the modern “laid off in the last 18 months, seemingly ridiculous severence that in NYC will actually only last 3 months, is always happy to interject their opinion into why the economy busted/who is really to blame” American? Don’t let his nonchalant exterior fool you. Don’t be deceived by his willingness to admit that every movie with the exception of I Know Who Killed Me gets 4 thumbs up. Cyrus Amini isn’t complacent. He is still aggressively spending money on booze, hookah supplies, Blu-Rays, delicious chicken, jamba juice, dunkin donuts coffee, the economist, and usually a round or 3 at the bar. So the answer is: who the fuck cares. We all love Cyrus just the way he is, poor/rich, lack of discernable a difference is just one of the many things that contributes to the greatness of a man who’s only flaw might be that he’ll have a tourrettes laden politically incorrect racial outburst while hammered at some point. That will happen. It is inevitable. It is a fact, much like global warming and manbearpig. But if that’s all the negatives we can say, than he is rich in spirit and friends. Cheers mate, lets go get pissed.
As a disclaimer: the truth is an ultimate defense against libel, and i’ll beat any suit thrown at me, that goes for all of you out there.
Love Always,
Ptown
Sounds Of Ptown 
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