Dear Wake Forest, Thanks For Nothing, Assholes

Way to shit the fucking bed you talentless hacks.  I ask you for one thing in my entire life and you let me down in a big way.  And to who? Cleveland Fucking State? Please tell me where that state is.  Where is the state of Cleveland? Anyone? I didn’t fucking think so because Cleveland isn’t a fucking state.  You should be barred from the tourney based on your obvious inability to demonstrate simple geographic skills.

And to anyone who bet on CSU over Wake, a very special FUCK YOU (yes you, Petey).  I don’t wanna hear any claims of clairvoyance or any special knowledge or hunches, statistically you are still foolish and absurd, just because it worked out one time doesn’t make you a bracketologist.  Your ridiculous risk taking will backfire, and when it does, I will be standing over you, kicking you while you are down.

Jesus Wake, 15 points? 15?!?!?!?! You didn’t even try, and for that, I may never forgive you.

On the upside, at this point your basketball program might get a much needed bailout.

Till later,

Ptown

Neal Wojod… Neal Wojdo… Neal Wojodw… Wojo: A Case Study In Sports Fandom?

Victim #2: Wojo.

Dear Wojo, I admit that I cannot spell your last name.  There, I said it.  Does that make me a bad friend? Maybe, but let’s be honest, you’re a much bigger douche than I am.

This post is a case study into what the modern fan in America is like, and for that, I bring you Wojo.

Being a sports fan is more than just having pride in a geographical area you associate with, or an educational institution you attended or fancy for some reason, it’s about passion, it’s about community, it’s about beer.  Let’s face it, we American’s love sports.  Probably moreso than any other country in the world.  Yes, every other country plays soccer (football/futbol), but i don’t know of any other country that has 4 major sports in addition to the second rate, american bastardized version of soccer that we have (sorry Beckham, you were a complete and total failure at revolutionizing American futbol, you sissy wanker, jog on).  And while not every American has love for every sport obviously the fact that Americans can get excited about:

Football
Baseball
Hockey
Basketball
Lacrosse
Nascar
Horse-racing
Soccer
Golf
Boxing
And all college versions of these pro-sports

is kinda mind boggling, there is literally a sport for every person in america from the fattest, sloppiest, hyphenated first name southern hick who thinks that bud heavy is God’s gift to Georgia to the upper crust dual degree from Harvard and Yale egghead who comes up with plays like the annexation of Puerto Rico for fun.  The fact that this whole spectrum exists begs the obvious question, is there an “average” fan in America?  And so, with hate in my heart and booze in my blood, I present to you: Wojo.

1. Wojo gets violently angry when other people from Pittsburgh cannot produce very trivial information about the Steelers, and by other people from Pittsburgh, I obviously mean you, Evans, since even Minxy knows more about the Steelers than you do.  Even though they both claim to be fans of the same team, Wojo routinely places the label of “worst fan in the world” on Evans.  Is he right for doing so?  Should one person say to a fellow fan, “your love for the team isn’t as high as mine, therefore you are worse than every fan of every other team that has ever been or will be?”  I’m not a doctor, you tell me, actually none of our friends are currently enrolled in Med School that I know of.  So I guess we will have to google this at a later time.

2. Wojo has actually cheered for other teams in his division claiming, “it makes our team look better if our division is stronger.”  Now, I don’t know about you, dear readers, but there are some things in this world you can tolerate, and some you can’t.  In my mind, which often deviates from the beaten path I will be the first to admit, it is acceptable for another fan of my team to not know as much about it as I do, but it is WHOLEHEARTEDLY UNFUCKINGACCEPTABLE FOR ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TO BE AN EAGLES FAN TO CHEER FOR THE COWBOYS, THE GIANTS, OR THE REDSKINS, I DON’T CARE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE OR WHAT THE FUCK YOU BROUGHT TO THE PARTY, I WILL PERFORM A MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE FATALITY ON YOU AND RIP THE JERSEY OFF YOUR TATTERED DISEMBOWELED REMAINS IF I EVER HEAR YOU DO IT IN FRONT OF ME.  But hey, that’s just me.

3. Wojo is a bandwagon fan.  I know this is going to piss him off, and to be honest, that is the main reason i wrote it.  Fuck you Wojo, I hate you for dropping that 30 pound weight on me while I was passed out.  Wojo doesn’t give 2 shits about the Pirates right now, but I guarantee, if they were in the playoff hunt you would see him in an…hold on while i look at ESPN to find one Pirate worth mentioning…Adam LaRoche or Craig Monroe jersey.  Which would be the ultimate in irony because the Pirates either trade, or lose to free agency, every single player with any talent they have, thus should those players do well, they will probably be Yankees next year.  Due to their consistency pitiful performance, more or less since he was born, Wojo doesn’t care about them, the Steelers have been consistently good since about 2000, thus, Wojo loves them.  He is now a Pens fan, since Crosby has started scoring goals.  Unfortunately, since Pittsburgh still isn’t quite a first rate city, they only get 3 of the 4 major sports teams.  But hey, if, according to Meatloaf, 2 outta 3 ain’t bad, then 3 outta 4 is even better.  Chin up Wojo, if the Clippers or Kings don’t turn it around in the next 5 or so, maybe you guys can make a move for them.

4. Wojo treats his terrible towell better than his friends, his girlfriend, his 401K, his best clothing, his dignity, pride, manhood, and his entire collection of Taylor Swift albums.  Once I jokingly pretended I was going to use his terrible towell to clean up some spilled beer, he literally leapt across the room and nearly tackled me trying to snatch it out of my hands.  Had his mother been sitting on the floor, and I shoved her over to use her hair to clean up spilled beer, he would not have reacted nearly as quickly.

5. Not knowing much about a team will not stop Wojo from bragging about how good they do.  When the Penguins were playing the Flyers in the Cup Playoffs, Wojo assured Bilsky and myself that the Pens would win because they have Crosby.  Apart from Crosby, and a few other stars on the team, neither Bilsky nor I was convinced that Wojo really knew anything about their team, their style, or their chances.  Wojo insisted otherwise, and bragged about it when they won, claiming he knew it all along.  His logic being simply infallible, we had to consent.  I mean, he knew they would win, they won, therefore he knows the most intricate details about the team, because he predicted the win, who could ever come up with something to counter that air-tight argument.  It’s basically like saying I know that jews rob people.  And then Bernie Madoff gets arrested, i now have the right to tell people that I KNEW all jews were robbers before they did.  Thankfully now everyone knows, and we can get on with our lives.

6. Wojo likes to pretend that he is an athlete too.  He’ll be the first one to tell you how awesome he was in the pole vault, what he doesn’t tell you is that “the pole vault” was a male adult entertainment film starring himself, Elton John, Richard Simmons, and the little fat guy from Borat.  I’ve heard that Wojo is a bottom, but he is a power bottom, so it’s not completely emasculating.  When people started to figure out that he is actually a gay porn star, in an effort to convince people he is really an athlete, not a homo, he started playing soccer.  His true homosexuality came out though, and instead of leading his team to victory, he just hurt himself.

7. Wojo likes beer.  This is the only thing Wojo and I have in common.  Sometimes I do not believe he even went to Penn.

Does this characterize fandom in America as a whole?  Can Wojo actually be considered “Average” for the first time in his life?  Should his mother have just swallowed him while he was still in semen form? Does he ever wear underwear?  These are questions for shows like Penn & Teller, Mythbusters, and Freaks & Geeks, and need to be handled by professionals.  I am not a professional, I’m just an angry man with a laptop and hi-speed internet.

I will try to update more often, I didn’t realize people read this so frequently till I got some complaints about my hiatus,

Ptown

100!

Today I hit 100 hits. What is wrong with you? Either go get a job or do the one you’ve got.

but seriously, wow, keep wasting your time with me, makes me feel warm and fuzzy,

Ptown

Hey! Congress! Stimulate This!

So congress wants to give everyone a bajillion dollars and fix everything.  I know I promised not to make this site a political grumbling page but fuck you I can change my mind if I want to.  And right now, I want to.  I read an article on CNN today (yes, I read CNN and FoxNews with a dash of the drudge when I’m feeling frisky, to get get a fairly balanced reporting of news I think) and I was driven to post it here and dissect it with you, dear readers, to see whether or not this stimulus is actually gonna be helpful.

Now, I’m not a money man, I don’t know much about econ, finance, or the stock market, so as a lay person my take on the stimulus is that it will be a good thing if it stimulates the economy.  Pretty basic right?  Okay, So everyone in the world argues about the best ways to do that, give it to companies, give it to poor people and buy stock in COOGI, disperse is amongst the middle class, etc.  But I think we all agree that since the country is in pretty drastic defecit spending/debt, we shouldn’t just be throwing money around like it’s going outta style, it needs to be well planned and well executed.

With that said, let us examine what the GOPs in congress are objecting to in the proposed stimulus bill and see whether or not they have any legitimate basis for being uppity about it.

(Disclaimer: this is not the entire package, just the parts that the GOPs are fighting to block)

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/02/gop.stimulus.worries/index.html

(CNN) — On Monday, House Republican leaders put out a list of what they call wasteful provisions in the Senate version of the nearly $900 billion stimulus bill that is being debated:

Let’s have at it then, I’m hoping for absolute lunacy, isn’t that why we elect these people?

• $2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient.

$2 billion dollars for a project that was declared inefficient when the dems already had congress?  Those people spend money quicker than MC Hammer in the 90’s.  If they don’t wanna touch this (yeah I went there), then there’s a good chance the plans need to be looked over again.  I may be the only one who feels this way, but $2 billion is like 10 billion nuggets at Wendys, that could feed all of Nebraska.

• A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.

So we come to the first real ridiculous line item in the bill.  What’s that?  We’re only to the second item?  Oh.  Well at least the first one resembled something that might’ve seemed like a good idea had it been reasonably planned out.  But honestly folks, $246 MILLION for MOVIE PRODUCERS to BUY MOVIES?!?!?! 2 words – FUCK and THAT.  Now I’m sure the motion picture industry is suffering because of the recession also, but as long as Nick Cage is still in films, Keanu Reave’s blank expression is 30 feet tall, and Julia Roberts’ smile is wider than the Brooklyn Bridge, I feel no sympathy for Hollywood at all, ESPECIALLY the producers.  Tell you what, if you come together and agree to only put actors and actresses with real talent in movies, maybe we’ll throw you a benji, but other than that, you ain’t gettin shit from me cock suckers.

• $650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program.

This is also complete and utter horseshit.  Why the fuck do we need a coupon program, just take all those closed up Circuit City stores in the poor areas of town and put up a big sign that says “HEY POOR PEOPLE, COME HERE ON SATURDAY TO GET YOUR FREE NEW TV SEXBOX, HER NAME IS SADIE.”  Why waste time on a coupon system that is obviously going to fail?  The only people who don’t have this already taken care of are old people who will never change and poor people who are just too lazy to pick up their coupon.  I’m sure what with their hectic schedule of Young and the Restless, Guiding Light, All My Children, and, of course, Jerry Springer, they just don’t have the time to go get them.  Or here’s an idea, mail them out with welfare checks.  It ain’t gonna cose the government $650 million in stamps and paper to do that.  You’ve got the best minds in the country up there and you can’t find a way to get a converter box to people for under $650 million?  Maybe the money for this should come outta your salaries then, moronic fucksticks.

• $88 million for the Coast Guard to design a new polar icebreaker (arctic ship).

Why? WHY WHY WHY?  You wanna know what’s up there?  I’ll fucking tell you. SNOW. That’s it. Newsflash: Megatron isn’t encased on some polar icecap.  There’s a weather station, an American flag, and a whole shitload of snow.  Don’t waste my time with this fucking ice breaking boat shit.

• $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.

I won’t claim to know too much about real estate prices wherever it is they’re buying but this may be legit.  Which leads us to our next point…

• $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.

Fuck. No.  This is a recession assholes, go to ikea like the rest of Americans right now.  Right now, the government is among the poorest of us and I have no sympathy for this piece.  I guarantee if you gave me the specs of what you need, 3,000 allen wrenches, 14 Mexicans, and one 1988 Aerostar van, I could have this done for under $500,000.  Fact.

• $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees.

“Federal Employees?” Like, every single one of them?  Come on, can you be a little more specific here? I realize that now that the dems are in power we’re gonna be focusing on global warming and all that but $600 million for hybrids for federal employees doesn’t seem to be in the “spirit” of the stimulus, it sounds like Pelosi wanted that new Hybrid Escalade and felt like if she was gonna get one than she’d have to bring enough for the class.  It costs $77,195 fully loaded.  Do you have any idea how many $600 million would buy? It’s nearly 8,000, and that was the most expensive hybrid I could find.  This is a travishamockery if I’ve ever seen one.

• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD’s.

It’s called Student Health at college, they don’t need $400 million, just enough antibiotics and ointments to get by.  Oh yeah, and how about this, $400 million to tell morons to use a fucking condom if she’s making you pay for it.

• $1.4 billion for rural waste disposal programs.

So Billy-Bob and Norma-Jean have a new place to put their 4 cars on cinder blocks?  Most of the waste rednecks make they just put on their crops and we eventually end up eating it.  The only things they can’t recycle are marlboro butts, broken gun parts, and overheated tractor engines.  Is $1.4 billion really necessary for that?  I think the answer is fairly clear.  My counter – proposition is simple.  We take a couple million, buy a huge flatbed boat, and take all the the South’s garbage, put it in transit, and dump it in Mexico.  That’s like half of the rurual area right there.  What are they gonna do about it?  We could even trade them trash for immigrants, it’s not like they aren’t coming over anyway.

• $125 million for the Washington sewer system.

With the amount of shit congress is about the drop on America in the next 4 years, this is a good idea, we may even want to reinforce it with more.

• $150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.

Newsflash #2: except for high school field trips, and foreign tourists, nobody goes there.  Let it be.

• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has a projected cost overrun of $3 billion.

Does this blow your mind also?  More than $3 billion, just to find out how many people there are in America?  My head hurts, fine, take your billion, but so help me you better get it right.

• $75 million for “smoking cessation activities.”

If they don’t wanna stop, you aren’t going to make them.  Give me the money, I will pay large men to break into their houses in the dead of night and tell them if they don’t quit smoking within 6 weeks, that he will be back to sodomize them.  This will be WAY more effective.

• $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.

Insert any elitest insult towards the poor and/or uneducated here.

• $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.

You’re a government employee, being underpaid is part of the job, you’re not Olivia Dunham, quit bitching.

• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction.

I’m sorry, did you say tribal?  Does that mean this is for all those Native Americans with substance abuse problems who work at casinos?  If so, allow me to hang my head in shame at you.
********
Okay, now that that is done, let’s discuss the merits of this.   A brief history lesson is in order.  British land  here in various stages between 1620 and 1700.  By 1700 we’re fairly set up as a colony.  The British government doesn’t recognize the property rights of anyone who isn’t a Christian (see also: Crusades), thus the Native Americans do not actually own their lands.  In an effort to be fair, instead of just annexing (which they also did fairly often anyway) the Brits bought the land from the Native Americans for a few coins, some blankets, and smallpox.  Since then the Native Americans have been steadily marched, moved, relocated, or slaughtered in order to provide more space for an expanding America.  Finally the US gov’t gave them pathetically small parcels of land and promised that those would be sacred ground for them, and that the gov’t wouldn’t be taking anything more from them.  I’m quite sure this pleased the Native Americans, most of whose tribes had already been completely wiped out.  A nomadic hunter/gatherer people confined to one set area which may/may not have afforded them all the amenities they required to maintain their lifestyle.  So what do they do?  What anybody would do when they don’t have the resources to provide for themselves, they get others to provide for them, by setting up casinos.  And with the casinos came addictions to drugs and alcohol.  So, essentially, the government is now trying to say, “Sorry we stole your land, wiped you out, led you down the Trail of Tears, and stuck you in the middle of a dessert, here’s a nicotine patch and an AA counselor.”

Pathetic.

• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.

I will confess I don’t know about this, does the Mississippi have a history of flooding, I couldn’t find anything to suggest it does, so how about this, take that $500 million and actually fix the dikes in New Orleans, which haven’t even been re-engineered, much less reinforced, since the city was flooded.

• $10 million to inspect canals in urban areas.

No. Next.

• $6 billion to turn federal buildings into “green” buildings.

I get the green kick but no, $6 billion is way too much, you can have 2.

• $500 million for state and local fire stations.

To do what? And what is a state fire station?  How can a fire station be anything but local?  The whole idea is that you get to the fire asap.  How on earth does a state fire station operate unless they have fire engines like the MIB black Ford.

• $650 million for wildland fire management on forest service lands.

For what? So Smokey the Bear can move to Park Avenue?  Get the fuck outta here with your wildland fire management.  for $650 million you could install a fucking sprinkler system in all of Yellowstone national park virtually ensuring that a fire would be put out in moments.

• $1.2 billion for “youth activities,” including youth summer job programs.

They’re still gonna do crack, fuck em.  What are youth activities anyway?  Can anyone tell me?

• $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.

I guess we’ve at least gotta look like we’ve got a handle on public health.

• $412 million for CDC buildings and property.

And property?  Is the fucking parking lot cracked?  And $412 million?  We can do the headquarters of Public Health for 88, why should you get almost 4 times as much?  Just because Dustin Hoffman saved us from the Motaba Virus doesn’t mean you should get special treatment.

• $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.

Better idea, take that $500 million and give it to researchers so instead of having a nice marbal floor next door to the shithole known as fucking Baltimore, we may actually cure diseases like cancer, AIDS, lupus, and stupidity.

• $160 million for “paid volunteers” at the Corporation for National and Community Service.

You know what a “paid volunteer” is?  It’s a fucking employee.  You want the government to pay your salaries.  How about this: no, but nice try asshole.

• $5.5 million for “energy efficiency initiatives” at the Department of Veterans Affairs National Cemetery Administration.

You know, normally I’d be mocking this, but they’re just asking for $5.5 million, compare that to the $88 million dollar boat or the $246 million dollars worth of movies producers can buy and this doesn’t look so ridiculous.

• $850 million for Amtrak.

Motherfucker for what?  You’ve already got rails, switches, trains, stations.  I realize you need to do repairs, and ideally you’d employ people who got outta 8th grade, but for $850 million, you gotta throw me a bone here and make me a pretty compelling case by saying what for.

• $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

Are you just going to mail it to China with a note that says “Please take this money and stop putting lead in paint”? Notice the wording also, “reducing the hazard“, we’re not going to reduce the amount of lead based paint we use, just the hazardous effects.  Here’s a fucking thought:  $100 million for advertisements for acryllic paints, which aren’t toxic.

• $75 million to construct a “security training” facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies.

THIS ONE CLEARLY STATES THAT IT’S BLATANTLY UNNECESSARY.  THEY CAN BE TRAINED AT EXISTING FACILITIES OF OTHER AGENCIES.  WE CAN WORRY ABOUT THIS LATER, THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IS SKYROCKTING.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

• $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems.

They will just try to have sex with the computers, you are basically masturbating onto this money, then lighting it on fire.  Farmers + Technology = either Cyborgs or just white sticky computers.

• $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.

Hold on, what does this even mean?  What military installations?  Why do we need alternative energy vehicles for this?  Do we do “military installations” often.  I assume so otherwise why would we care this much about finding alternative energy vehicles for them.  If we are doing them this often then I think we all have a right to know what they are, and how many channels they’re getting.  If Private Parts in Fort Dix is getting HBO and Skinimax because the military fios truck runs on cold fusion, then damnit i should too.

So there we are folks, I’m inclined to agree that a great many of these additions are not only not time-appropriate, but downright foolish and stupid.  Surely, President Obama will take one look at this and strick most of these out in the interest of 1) passing this “much needed emergency” stimulus packing in a timely fashion and 2) common sense.  Yeah.  We’ll see.

That’s all for now kiddies, back to the excitement of law school,

Ptown

Cyrus Amini: A Case Study In Modern American Poverty?

Guess what, if you’re unfortunate enough to be friends with me there will probably come a time when I will dedicate an entire post to something either foolish you’ve done, or just the way you live your life.  Today’s celebrity/victim: Cyrus Amini.

Those of you who know me (and if you don’t know me, how the hell did you find this obscure and offensive blog?) will know that it is patently absurd that I call anyone else poor.  I have long been the most financially unstable person ever to set foot in the 9 lounge.  But I submit to you a political op-ed informal study on modern poverty in America through the eyes of one Cyrus Amini.

So without further adieu, the geneal malais of an alcohol addled mind:

I submit to you, dear readers, that attitudes about poverty have changed since the last major recession we’ve had.  When the market crashed in 1929, unemployment and poverty were rampant immediately.  Shit hit the proverbial fan like Bilsky hits jumpshots, or would if he was actually good at basketball.  But people were not content with unemployment then.  They wanted to get a job, the prevailing thoughts were not “Gee, I wunnah ha’ lawng da gubmen gonna gimme dat chek, Obama fuheva”, it was more “Dear Lady Penelope, I am utterly aghast to admit to you that I have been laid off from my prestigious position as a box transporter at the local fish retrieval station.  In these times of dire problems, I am confident that government will assist us with the bare essentials until I am able to secure employment once again.  I will not rest until I have this family back on its feet.”

Back then, people knew they were poor, and they were either embarassed about it, or motivated by it.  Today, people know they are poor and are borderline complacent about it.

Understanding this, I put to you this question: Is Cyrus Amini the posterchild for modern poverty in America? Let’s discuss.

Cyrus lost his very impressive and prestigious job at BofA a few months ago.  No one disputes this, I challenge anyone to say that they were more upset than me.  I think I was more upset than Cyrus, he was definitely my sugar daddy.  But let us examine how Cyrus has reacted to the pink slip blues.

1. Cyrus went to every civilized continent outside of North America. No, Australia and Africa aren’t civilized.  And largely for the same reason.  They both still have significant populations that hunt with boomerangs.  A boomerang is a foam toy you give to a 10 year old boy at a park when you wanna hit on that cute Milf across the parking lot.  EVERYBODY knows those damn things don’t work, guess that’s probably while they’re still wearing loincloths.

2. Cyrus still buys Blu-Ray dvds like they might stop producing them tomorrow. Number of copies of the Covenant on Blu-Ray sold: 10.  Number of copies of One Missed Call on Blu-Ray sold: 6.  Number of copies of Step Up 2: Step Up 2 The Streets on Blu-Ray sold: 15.  Number of copies of The Mist on Blu-Ray sold: 50.  Number of copies of the Entire Rambo set on Blu-Ray sold: 9. Number of people who own all of the above: 1.

3. Cyrus drinks till he blacks out, but not because of depression over losing his job, just cuz.  Somehow, however, he was able to rationally wait till we got him in that tiny cramped elevator before he starting wildly throwing punches.  Luckily he telegraphs like Don Flamingo in Punch-Out.

4. Cyrus admits that he is not jewish, but staunchly defends that his money is.

5. Cyrus’s core lifestyle has not changed one bit.  The only real change is that now he has time to do all the fun stuff he’s always wanted to.  Like travel to…Rhode Island, a lot (Okay, and Italy, Argentina, Colorado, and other fun places).  But honestly, he still gets bon-chon at least once a week.

6. The only job I have heard Cyrus intimate that he was considering taking was being some sort of executive in a beef exportation indusry in Argentina. wtf?

7. There are wide rumors and speculations about the personal debt Cyrus has incurred in his attempt to personally jumpstart the economy.

8. Even though he is no longer in the financial industry, and is taking placement tests for law, business, and probably others as well, Cyrus still reads more about the fixed income derivatives and emerging markets than anyone I know that still has a job in it. I had to go to http://www.dealbreaker.com just to find words i could use to put in there.  Thank you, Evans, I still hate you though.

9. Cyrus refuses to go too long without visiting the hookah shop.  Cyrus has been there so frequently, and is so innately charming, that the last time I was there with him, the guy not only recognized Cyrus, but reminded him that he needed coals, and proceeded to tell Cyrus a story that involved both Matt Damon and Johnny Depp which I am 99% certain was totally fabricated to impress Cryus.  Or maybe they’re just cousins, they both have dark skin.  I can never tell.

So let’s put it all together.  Does Cyrus embody the modern “laid off in the last 18 months, seemingly ridiculous severence that in NYC will actually only last 3 months, is always happy to interject their opinion into why the economy busted/who is really to blame” American? Don’t let his nonchalant exterior fool you.  Don’t be deceived by his willingness to admit that every movie with the exception of I Know Who Killed Me gets 4 thumbs up.  Cyrus Amini isn’t complacent.  He is still aggressively spending money on booze, hookah supplies, Blu-Rays, delicious chicken, jamba juice, dunkin donuts coffee, the economist, and usually a round or 3 at the bar.  So the answer is: who the fuck cares.  We all love Cyrus just the way he is, poor/rich, lack of discernable a difference is just one of the many things that contributes to the greatness of a man who’s only flaw might be that he’ll have a tourrettes laden politically incorrect racial outburst while hammered at some point.  That will happen.  It is inevitable.  It is a fact, much like global warming and manbearpig.  But if that’s all the negatives we can say, than he is rich in spirit and friends.  Cheers mate, lets go get pissed.

As a disclaimer: the truth is an ultimate defense against libel, and i’ll beat any suit thrown at me, that goes for all of you out there.

Love Always,

Ptown

More Things That Piss Me Off

The following are a listing of more things that drive me bat shit crazy.  No more intro needed.

1. The “That’s Great, Now What Can You Do About…” ads posted on the MTA subways.
Hey shitbricks, I got an ad for you, it’s called the “$10 back when you spend $100 on a metrocard? That’s great, now what can you do about the rampant stupidity and lack of common sense that the MTA displays on a daily basis?”  Honestly, the subway system in NYC is amazing, when it is working properly.  Let’s repeat that so it sets in: WHEN IT’S WORKING PROPERLY.  It almost never is working properly.  At almost every station you see signs indicating when 1 or more lines that run through that station will be down.  For instance, the 7 line is down/extremely limited on weekends right now.  Here’s an idea, run the 7 through the winter when it’s fucking -325,423 degrees outside so those poor Queens inhabitants don’t have to walk 19 blocks to the E, the only other subway that doesn’t run along the north of Queens that will actually stop in Manhattan.  Why not run the 7 in the winter and limit the running of Q, R, and/or W?  Guaranteed all these lines need work, the N will still run along basically the same line, and if it doesn’t, another comparable subway is no more than 3 blocks away at any given time.  Employ some fucking sense for Christ’s sake and make these decisions before you snort coke cut with baking soda through a 15 year old $1 bill off a urinal at the Atlantic Terminal Station.

2. Apparently, yesterday was National Wear Leggings to Law School day.  Fuck that.  It’s goddamn unacceptable. I don’t care if you’re Megan fucking Fox.  If you wanna wear leggings, wear a skirt/kilt/pants/trashbag/aborted fetal skin over your fucking leggings.  It isn’t flattering. Period. Fact. Truth.  And now listen, it isn’t that people like me are against skin tight clothing, but beauty is about proportions, and when you are wearing skin tight leggings, and a baggy sweat shirt or jacket, you look like the Kool-Aid Pitcher.  Nobody wants to bang the Kool-Aid pitcher, except maybe that Tang Monkey, or Clinton, he fucks anything ugly. You wanna show off a great ass?  Wear tight jeans, it’s way better.  Also, to the one girl who were leggings with heels yesterday, I hope someone shits in your orange mocha frappuccino tonight, seriously.

3. Get an umbrella that is the appropriate size for your person.  Listen up shitbricks, if you’re an anorexic homeless streetwalker who’ll suck the bolts off a fire hydrant for a ten spot, you don’t need an umbrella that could cover a ’72 deuce and a quarter.  I realize when the weather is shitty you wanna stay dry.  Great.  Me too.  But A) I have an umbrella that keeps me dry without bumping the governor of Maine while I walk down the streets of Crooklyn, so you can too, and B) if I get within a reasonable distance of someone else, I LIFT THE UMBRELLA UP SO IT DOESN’T POKE THEIR FUCKING EYE OUT.  Inconsiderate people make me sick.  I can’t even count the number of times yesterday alone that I was walking to school that i had to artfully dodge or duck because some schmuck swung their umbrella right at my ocular cavity with no fucking idea what he was doing.  I simply cannot believe people are so fucking clueless that their extremities can potentially result in cycloptism.  Wake up numnuts,  show a little decency to the common man, I realize you’re focusing on holding up your jeans which are 5x too large with a belt on that’s 4x too large and a sweatshirt you’re trying to keep from dragging on the ground while talking on a cell phone you just bought from a guy who said he found it on the sidewalk though the banner clearly reads “Rashonda’s Phone :)”  How’s that resume coming along you herpes magnet?

4. And a special fuck you to the guy outside the post office yesterday.  It’s been a while [read: at least a week] since I’ve been struck by how unabashedly rude and uncivilized random people in this city can be (I realize this can be the case anywhere, as many of my friends point out about the great city of Philadelphia, but if you disagree leave me a comment so I can dedicate a post to you’re lunacy), but this guy really takes the cake for me.  This is what happened, without any of the usual exaggerations because, honestly, I don’t even need to.  I go to the post office to mail 2 letters, and walk out with my ipod on, there is a guy about 20 feet away from me staring at me, looking very lost, no one else is around.  I have to walk right by him.  He stares at me, looking still very confused the whole time I approach, as I’m walking by he doesn’t cut eye contact so I decide to see if i can help, this is what ensued…
ME – “Hi, you look like you’re looking for something, is there anything I can help you find?”
DOUCHY McDOUCHEFACE – “Did I fucking say a word to you, asshole?”
ME – “Oh my mistake, I thought you were a human being, my apologies.”

At this point i was prepared to be done with him, he is a blight on society, but he didn’t wanna let it go, I guess he didn’t count on me being able to formulate more than 2 sentences…

DDF – “What kinda asshole goes around asking people if he can help them?” (seriously, he thought this was a bad thing.) “What the hell is wrong with you? I don’t want or need your fucking help, I can do anything I need to on my own.”

At this point i kinda felt bad for the guy so I wasn’t gonna go off on him, though at this point he already did deserve what was coming.

ME – “I just thought you looked like you were looking for something, I’m familiar with the area, I thought I’d save you some trouble, if you don’t need it, you don’t need it, you don’t need to be nasty about it, have a good one.” [Starts to walk away]
DDF – “Hey I’m not done with you, you asshole.  You don’t talk to me like that and then just walk away.  I fucking hate people like you, think you’re so much better than everyone” (okay he was right on the money with that one) “and that no one can do anything without your help.  You fucking kids have no respect, no decency, I’m gonna fucking tell you something kid, you’re a fucking loser, I wasn’t talking to you, don’t fucking talk to me, you’re a nosy little punk, and you haven’t got anything better to do than go around harassing the elderly do you?”

Naturally this really angered me, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I cannot promise that the following is word for word what I said, but I will recount it the best I can remember.

ME – “You’re so right, sir, so right, how DARE I go around and try to help people that look lost.  Listen up you old asshole, you probably live alone because you have no friends because you’ve bitterly pushed away anyone that ever cared about you.  You probably live off taxpayers money and feel some sort of entitlement because you’re old. Respect is earned, it isn’t given.  I can’t stand people who feel that they’re owed something from other people simply because they exist.  In this world, people aren’t valued because they’ve reached the age of retirement.  Also their bitterness isn’t an indicator of how much deference they should be given.  Have a good life, and try not to spread your misery to anyone else who doesn’t deserve it today.”

He stuttered.  I walked away. Victory was mine.

I will try to be better about keeping the updates more frequent.  I didn’t realize people would actually care. Get a life losers,

Ptown

You Can’t Spell Crap Without Rap

The following is a list of 10 rappers who, in this author’s humble opinion, the world would be a far better place without, as well as why.  Most of the readers of the blog are probably going to disagree with this post.  But hey, fuck you.

10. Kanye West
pros: good fashion style, able to keep good rhythm, not afriad to voice ignorant political opinions
cons: sends horrible message to urban youth, songs largely offensive to morality/intelligence, voices ignorant political opinions
I basically blame Kanye for most of why rap sucks nowadays.  He more or less pioneered this new wave of rap.  Truth be told he isn’t the worst out there, and although I find his music pretty distasteful I’m more upset that he paved the way for rap to suck than anything else.  Additionally, I’m not sure that he even reads through the lyrics given to him before he starts rapping them.  Examine with me this lyrical oddity from Homecoming:

“I met this girl when I was three years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She said, “Excuse me little homie, I know you don’t know me – but,
My name is Wendy and, I like to blow trees”.

Is he insinuating that he knows 3 year olds who smoke pot?  Or maybe she was older, and he just associated with older girls who confessed marijuana habits to 3 year olds.  Or is he just a no talent ass clown like Michael Bolton? You decide.
College Dropout was wildly popular despite it’s “satirical” message that poor children shouldn’t bother going to school because a degree won’t help you get anywhere in life.  When your target audience already believes that, saying it, however ironic you intend it to sound, is just a bad idea.  You can’t expect shamikqua and deseanjohn to understand complex ideas like satire and irony considering they’re poised to graduate high school and still struggle to get through The Best Of Clifford: The Big Red Dog.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Warren G

9. Eminem
pros: brought legitimacy to white rap, decent actor, very emotional and honest lyrics
cons: is a big pussy, pretends to be a hardass but in reality is another whiny bitch with mommy issues, probably has early onset ED
I think we can all agree that Eminem’s breakout album was pretty amazing.  But we were all looking for him to move forward from there.  Instead, he kept producing the same whiny shit.  At this point, I just don’t care if Kim was a slut, your mom did drugs, or that you think you’re a good dad.  We get that your childhood was fucked up, we don’t care.  We expect you to entertain us, not to just keep bitching about your baby mama.  Lord knows we all have ex’s we’d like to see disappear…
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Kurtis Blow

8.The Game
pros: catchy beats, interesting theories about potentialities for combining car parts, hates Young Gunz
cons: blatantly an idiot, has poor grammar, what seems to be a second grade education, and trouble forming sentences correctly
“This is how we do, we make a move and act the fool while we up in the club” – This is one of the most poorly constructed lead lines to a verse that I have ever encountered.  While putting Lambo doors on the Escalade is a fascinating idea, it does lead me to believe that The Game is simply another moron who happened to get shot in the hood, probably while committing armed robbery.  What is really infuriating about him is he has a chance to actually make a difference and he is just wasting it.  Here is a guy who came from nothing, now has more money than he has ever seen before, and instead of doing ANYTHING to help his community out, he is instead flaunting the fact that he has money and others do not.  He is not only a waste of time, space, and oxygen, but he is also a horrible role model to…well just about everyone.  Also his self-applied stage name makes jeff bilsky look like tucker max.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: the Wu-Tang Clan

7. T-Pain
pros: keeps a lower profile than his moronic counterparts
cons: he sings that unGodly terrible song “Buy U A Drink”, has the fashion sense of Ronald McDonald, can’t enunciate, and acts as though he was repeatedly dropped on his head starting at birth and ending around last week.
While T-Pain doesn’t seem to be in the media as much as most of the other degenerates on this list, he still appears on the radio more often than I care for.  I’m sick of whiny R&B/Hip Hop singers with piss poor lyrics, modulated voices, and no soul.  Do you think the greats of R&B would appreciate the music you make?  Would Teddy P approve of you?  Would Al Green want to be featured on your album? I think not.  I think they would jizz on your album, light it on fire, and spend the rest of their lives trying to convince people that what you do and what they did are not in the same category of music.  And then they would get laid, because their music is awesome, and yours sounds like a yappie dog going through a garbage disposal, which is more or less where you belong.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: ice cube

6. Jay-Z
pros: hot wife, discovered Rihanna, apparently does a great deal of charity work/donating, good producer
cons: can’t keep a beat to save his life, sold out about as hard as anyone in rap history, endorses “real” ganstardom, doesn’t seem to understand that this is not a positive quality
While many on this list declare themselves to be gangstas or talk about how wonderful it is to live the life of a gangsta, Jay-Z seems not only to have started setting that lifestyle at a young age, but he is by far the biggest monetary success and yet least talented person to come from his area.  He attended the same high school as Biggie and Busta, but is the only one of the three to not graduate.  Apparently, Mr. Z was too caught up in slinging rock to graduate, a wonderful role model for all those young thugs out there.  On a personal note, I imagine he plays the skin flute like Don Bailey and probably diddles little boys.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Easy-E

5. Young…Anything (Buck, Gunz, Bloodz, pick your autistic retard)
pros: at least their antics are comical, Young Gunz hate the game
cons: they are, as a group, inherently dangerous to human life (Gunz and Bloodz through stupidity, Buck through knives, and stabbing weapons)
It’s well known that Young Buck stabbed that dude at the VIBE awards.  While I do believe that the less people inclined to attend the VIBE awards the better, I cannot say that I think stabbing someone was warranted because Dre refused an autograph.  Young Gunz hate The Game, Lord knows why, but it shows at least some intelligence on their part.  Unfortunately, they chose to hang around Beanie Sigel instead, which not only nullifies that shred of intelligence, but pretty much solidifies that they do, in fact, have about as much sense as Henry Earl.  In June of 2006 Youngbloodz was arrested for drug charges.  This alone simply cannot be enough to warrant selection to this list as doubtless every single person here has not only engaged in copious narcotic use but the majority have probably been caught doing so.  Youngbloodz is guilty by association.  They hang out with Lil’ Jon, of the “sweat drip down my balls” fame.  If you think about it, naming your self/group “young” anything was enormously stupid to begin with.  By nomenclating yourself in this fashion, you have basically said that not only have you not reached puberty yet, but your testicles have either not descended or you have smoked/snorted them to shriveled up levels.  Also you have no future once you have been around long enough to no longer be considered young.  Or maybe you just expect to die in some sort of epic rap feud… either way, at least you’ll be gone soon.

4. Chamillionaire
pros: only has 1 annoying song on the radio
cons: has never been arrested for ridin’ dirty, despite my multiple attempts to call the cops on him, prompted Weird Al to write a parody song
If the cops were really trying to catch him ridin’ dirty, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be too hard for them to do so.  The only logical conclusion is that he is a liar.  He is so desperate to be important, to be a celebrity, to be in the news that he has to make up fake police interest.  He is no better than Joe Biden during the presidential campaigns.  Despite all his lunacy, his repeated attempts to do something so boneheaded, so outrageous that people would simply HAVE to pay attention to him, nobody cared.  In reality, the Chamillionaire has done absolutely nothing to separate himself from every other rapper from the south who’s only qualifications to be a rapper are that he is a failure at everything else…see also:

Big Tymers
Choppa
JT Money
Petey Pablo
Silkk the Shocker
and much, much more

In my dreams I see these one hit fiascos bagging my groceries are the Korean supermarket around the block, and I firmly believe that at some point I will see them putting dumplings in a bag for some old lady.   Or posibly hawking flame, the scent for meat lovers because they’ve wasted all their money on tooth bijoux and platinum cock rings.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: the Beastie Boys

3. 50 Cent
pros: he keeps in shape
cons: everything that you dislike about Darkman X, with nothing redeeming, has a Michael Strahan tooth gap (seen here), has attracted a crew of people arguably less intelligent than him, and willing to follow him, scary stuff
Nothing i say can top what Stewie Griffin has already said about Mr. Cent: “I say, 50 Cent wouldn’t know a proper lyric if it crawled up his ass and brought him to orgasm through prostate stimulation.  Here is a grammatical curiosity from 50 Cent’s ‘Wanksta’ – We in the club doin’ the same old two step, gorialla unit, cuz they say we bucked out cuz we don’t go nowhere without toast.  Well, good luck finding the subject and predicate of that run-on sentence.  And what the bloody hell does it mean ‘we don’t go nowhere without toast?’ Now you listen to me Mr. Cent, you wanna make it in this business? Lay off the Doobie.”  Best case scenario, 50 Cent issues an apology to English teachers across America and fades out of celebrity status faster than Milli Vanilli.  Worst case scenario, 50 cent marries into my family and I’m forced to listen to him talk forever, and possibly deal with his prodigeny.  One of the thousands, I am sure.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Doug E. Fresh

2. TI
pros: steals beats from entertaining songs
cons: hangs with weezy, excessively shiny forhead, ugly sunglasses, needed a stunt double to rollerskate

You know TI, he’s the guy who ripped off the O-Zone (Romanian Backstreet Boys) song Dragostea Din Tei to make his song Whatever You Like. He was also in the smash hit ATL, in which he skates around and rides more pole than Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me (which grossed more than ATL, which speakes volumes as to the film’s quality).   Admittedly, TI is a celebrity who i do not know very much about.  So, for possibly the first time in my life I will choose to err on the side of leniency.  I will say this, wake the fuck up assnuts, do something with your life.  Right now all you do is strut around, looking like a homo, trying to be fashionable but failing miserably.  Hopefully for you there is still time to turn your life around, time to become a contributing member of society.  If you are absolutely embedded in that lifestyle, however, allow me to say this.  You are going to alone and miserable because you will spend all your money by the time you are 30, you won’t be popular because some young upstart will coo and woo the ladies better than you.  You have no fall-back talents and no 401K.  You will fade out of the public eye like MC Hammer, and after your money is gone you will see the error of your ways, but it will be too late sir.  Too late.  And believe me, I will be smiling when it happens.  I won’t know exactly when because I won’t have heard about you for a long time, but one day, many years from now, when you have long since ceased to be in the public eye, I will think to myself…It’s nice to have a career and a future, unlike that joker, and that will be the last time you ever cross my mind.  Also, if i get into any sort of position of authority I will also attempt to have all your cds burned, and I don’t mean copied.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: salt n’ pepa

1. Weezy
pros: still trying to find one
cons: makes the worst music on the planet, poor dental hygene, can’t seem to find pants that fit, or a barber willing to break out a weedwacker
Weezy is simply awful incarnate.  I cannot even look at pictures of him without throwing up in my mouth, when his songs come on the radio i am driven to petition the government to issue me a one line constitutional amendment declaring that killing Weezy by shoving bamboo spikes under every nail in his body is no longer cruel and unusual punishment, drawing and quartering also comes to mind.  In reality, what is cruel and unusual is what he calls music.  Examine, if you will, a Weezy song with me.  I give you, “Black Republican”

I’m Feelin like a Black Republican.

I doubt that very much sir.  Very much indeed.  But please, continue.

Tote a mac in da public and act so southern.

Well, maybe you are a republican after all.  You seem to have all the same ideals, possessing and displaying automatic weapons in public was a platform for Huckabee last year.  Wildly popular in the south from what I hear.

die for my brotheren

I’m not sure you have done anything ever to convince me that you care about anybody other than yourself, much less would die for them.  Except maybe Colonel Sanders.

money money money like Money Mack and Publishing.  One life to live never ask for a mulligan

Chance that your fans will understand a golf reference…approximately 284,175,034 – 1

Streets cold but the heat make ya feel covered and been had cake day late like Ed Sullivan

I’m sorry. What?  Been had cake day late like Ed Sullivan.  Pardon me for finishing up remedial grammar but Fuck the Heck does that line even mean?  Also if the streets are cold but the heat makes you feel covered, doesn’t that imply that it isn’t cold?  This is so bad it makes me hurt, better move on before my head explodes.  This is like trying to decipher what a 3 year drew when they ask you if you like their artwork.

Fly like a eagle but no, I’m not Donovan.  Boy ya better go eat some soup wit your mom and dem

Who is dem?  Does dem have soup too?  I hope so, apparently the streets are cold, and although the heat will make them feel covered, I’m sure that soup will help.  And how you gonna bring the man’s mother into this?  That’s low.  Even for a man with a gold mouth.

And my mind is on anotha continent

Really?  How did you just transition from making fun of Donovan McNabb and his mother for the Chunky Soup commercials to your mind being on another continent.  I think we all have to assume you mean Africa, because you aren’t clever enough to allude to anything else.  But where is this going?  I’m sure the next line will clear it up for us, because Weezy, you lost me.

I am real Cash Money no counterfeit

Well, as expected the whole other continent idea is now clear as day.

I don’t parking lot pimp

You don’t parking lot pimp?  Well that’s lovely.  Do you pimp in any other locations?  Are you a hotel lobby pimp?  Or perhaps a convenience store pimp?  Do you sandbox pimp?  Maybe a national state park pimp?  We, the people, want to know.

I just politic

What exactly do you mean?  What have you done politically recently?  Are you now the mayor of grilltown?

But I get all in her mouth like Polident

………….. Okay I’m back from hurling in the bathroom.  I know that there is such a thing as poetic license, but 1) he’s not a poet and 2) it’s likely he doesn’t know that polident goes between the dentures and the gums.  Unless he has a firehose in his silk boxers, he isn’t that forceful with his manhood.

New Orleans’ Representa to the enda.  Come from the city where the glitta don’t glimma

Of all the things to say about New Orleans, you call it the city where the glitta don’t glimma?  How about the city of reputedly corrupt politics?  The city of FEMA failure?  The city of poorly engineered dikes?  No, it’s the city where the glitta don’t glimma.  Why doesn’t the glitta glimma?  Is it faux glitta?  This city sounds terrible.  Give me a city where the glitta glimmas over one where it doesn’t anyday.  Next thing you’ll tell me that in New Orleans condoms don’t prevent pregnancy or STDs.

the sun don’t shine and the gunz don’t sleep

So it’s dark and cold, but the heat covers you.  Maybe the glitta don’t gimma because there is no sunlight.  This city is dark and there is constant gunfire, is everything I have heard about New Orleans a lie?

wake a nigga ass up like he got somewhere to be!

Oh man, I could not have asked for you to put it better. You sleep in because you have nowhere to be.  You have nowhere to be because you have no desire to get a respectable job (and no, right now I do not believe he has a respectable job).  Maybe you should set an alarm and wake your own ass up, find somewhere to be, and get your own ass there you useless waste of nappy hair and tattoo space.
The only glimmer of hope I have is that you are stupid enough to do something to get yourself arrested in the near future.  So until that day I will be praying for headlines telling me you’ve been discovered driving down the street with automatic weapons and pounds of cocaine.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

This post was longer than I intended.  I will try to be more concise in the future.  You stay angry San Diego.

ptown

Calling All You Assholes

If you have hate in your heart let it out.  Email me any violent or angry thoughts at ptownsen@gmail.com and I just may put them up for the world to see and adore.

Am I the only person in the world who thinks babies are effing ugly?  I mean come on.  How can people go around saying that babies are so cute and adorable?  Puppies are cute and adorable.  Pornstars are cute and adorable.  Babies are gross.  They spit up, they smell, they wear their own shit until someone with the constitution to change them to does so.  They’re usually bald, and all sorts of bulbous.  They keep you all night with their constant wailing.  Admit it, sometimes you’ve had to fight the urge to see how far you can drop kick a baby.

And while we’re on the topic of babies, how come MILFs never breastfeed in public?  It’s always the ugly, heinous new moms that are ready to rip out that teet and bare it to the world.  What an effing sham.  There needs to be some sort of committee about this.  We need 3 categories of moms:

-moms who MUST breastfeed in public, naturally these are the smokin hot moms
-moms who CAN breastfeed in public, these are good lookin women, but nothing you’d pay 8 bucks to see on the big screen
-moms who ABSOLUTELY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE CAN EVER EVER EVER WHIP OUT A BOOB IN PUBLIC, sadly, this is an overrepresented category with many of these women not adhering to the rule.  I seek the death penalty, who is with me?

Yes, this is what I spend my day thinking about.

Get back to work, unless you’re unemployed.  If you’re unemployed I suggest you do what your parents did…GET A JOB SIR.

ptown

Proof That I Am An Awesome Student

Just came across this batch of notes I took from October

“Shaw v. Director of Public Prosecutions: After a statute made it impossible for whores to use the streets for solicitation, D published a ho directory containing bitches’ names and pictures.  D was indicted and convicted of conspiracy to corrupt public morals.  D rules.”

Really glad i wasn’t cold called to discuss this case in class as my go-to response is always to just read whatever i wrote.

back to the books,

ptown

I Have Absolutely Had It With People Lying Through Photography

I think this is something we can all get behind.  People need to stop putting up misleading pictures of themselves on facebook, myspace, and whatever else is out there.  If you have a funny picture up, or a picture of something that is clearly not you, fuck it, whatever, that’s cool.  But so many people put up, as their profile picture, that one picture from 2001, that summer when they lost 20 pounds, in a bikini/board shorts at the Jersey shore, during that 1 month window where they were actually attractive.  They lull you into that false hope that this person might actually not be a hideous monster.  In reality, not only are they a hideous monster, but they’re liars also.  And we all know that the soul of a liar is a black as a steer’s tukus on a moonless night.

We all know people like this, some of them we even call friends.  People we are cool with but we totally wouldn’t set our friends up with (I’m trying to be careful to keep the pronouns non-gender specific, so if you wanna call me out for being a sexist, that’s true, but not in this circumstance), but they have profile pictures up from their junior year of college when they were hitting the gym everyday and still had a metabolism that would shame a hummingbird.  Now, they’re bragging about going to the gym 4 times a month, they eat whatever they feel like, and it shows, and instead of doing the honest, honorable thing and putting up a more recent picture of what they look like NOW, they have connived, through malicious and willful negligence, to leave their old picture up, causing people who happen on that page to get an ill-conceived mental image of said person.

Most people don’t take this epidemic seriously.  They don’t give weight to the possible consequences of these types of actions.  What we, as a society, are essentially saying by permitting this to go on, is that it’s okay to lie to people about who you are on the outside, to cover up how filthy you are on the inside.

You want it all don’t you?  You liar.  You coward.  You want the easy street, not the narrow path of hard work, honestly, and integrity.  You’d rather do what you want, and lie to the masses, then do what’s necessary to maintain that flat stomach, or that rippling 6-pack.  You justify it to yourself, you say “well, it’s still me, isn’t it?” to which you promptly reply in the affirmative.  But is it?  Is it really?  Or is it a farce you’ve concocted because you’re so ashamed of the way you’ve turned out.  You want people to navigate to your page and be impressed.  Did you stop for one second to think about the potential scarring and damage that could be the result of your adoring public ever coming face-to-face with what you’ve become?  Do you really wish that on…anyone?  You selfish, narcissistic jerk.

I envision a different world.  A world where surprise still abounds, but not the kinda surprises that make you throw up in your mouth from surprise/shock/disappointment.  In this world people conform to standards of behavior that are morally acceptable, people care about presenting themselves in a truthful and respectable fashion.  And none of us will ever have to doubletake upon meeting someone whose facebook picture looks like megan fox/channing tatum only to discover they’re closer to Jabba The Hut/Hugo from Lost.

Also in the world I vision, ugly people are sacrificed to the gods of beauty and morally casual standards.

this concludes my civil procedure study break.

ptown