So congress wants to give everyone a bajillion dollars and fix everything. I know I promised not to make this site a political grumbling page but fuck you I can change my mind if I want to. And right now, I want to. I read an article on CNN today (yes, I read CNN and FoxNews with a dash of the drudge when I’m feeling frisky, to get get a fairly balanced reporting of news I think) and I was driven to post it here and dissect it with you, dear readers, to see whether or not this stimulus is actually gonna be helpful.
Now, I’m not a money man, I don’t know much about econ, finance, or the stock market, so as a lay person my take on the stimulus is that it will be a good thing if it stimulates the economy. Pretty basic right? Okay, So everyone in the world argues about the best ways to do that, give it to companies, give it to poor people and buy stock in COOGI, disperse is amongst the middle class, etc. But I think we all agree that since the country is in pretty drastic defecit spending/debt, we shouldn’t just be throwing money around like it’s going outta style, it needs to be well planned and well executed.
With that said, let us examine what the GOPs in congress are objecting to in the proposed stimulus bill and see whether or not they have any legitimate basis for being uppity about it.
(Disclaimer: this is not the entire package, just the parts that the GOPs are fighting to block)
http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/02/gop.stimulus.worries/index.html
(CNN) — On Monday, House Republican leaders put out a list of what they call wasteful provisions in the Senate version of the nearly $900 billion stimulus bill that is being debated:
Let’s have at it then, I’m hoping for absolute lunacy, isn’t that why we elect these people?
• $2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient.
$2 billion dollars for a project that was declared inefficient when the dems already had congress? Those people spend money quicker than MC Hammer in the 90’s. If they don’t wanna touch this (yeah I went there), then there’s a good chance the plans need to be looked over again. I may be the only one who feels this way, but $2 billion is like 10 billion nuggets at Wendys, that could feed all of Nebraska.
• A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.
So we come to the first real ridiculous line item in the bill. What’s that? We’re only to the second item? Oh. Well at least the first one resembled something that might’ve seemed like a good idea had it been reasonably planned out. But honestly folks, $246 MILLION for MOVIE PRODUCERS to BUY MOVIES?!?!?! 2 words – FUCK and THAT. Now I’m sure the motion picture industry is suffering because of the recession also, but as long as Nick Cage is still in films, Keanu Reave’s blank expression is 30 feet tall, and Julia Roberts’ smile is wider than the Brooklyn Bridge, I feel no sympathy for Hollywood at all, ESPECIALLY the producers. Tell you what, if you come together and agree to only put actors and actresses with real talent in movies, maybe we’ll throw you a benji, but other than that, you ain’t gettin shit from me cock suckers.
• $650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program.
This is also complete and utter horseshit. Why the fuck do we need a coupon program, just take all those closed up Circuit City stores in the poor areas of town and put up a big sign that says “HEY POOR PEOPLE, COME HERE ON SATURDAY TO GET YOUR FREE NEW TV SEXBOX, HER NAME IS SADIE.” Why waste time on a coupon system that is obviously going to fail? The only people who don’t have this already taken care of are old people who will never change and poor people who are just too lazy to pick up their coupon. I’m sure what with their hectic schedule of Young and the Restless, Guiding Light, All My Children, and, of course, Jerry Springer, they just don’t have the time to go get them. Or here’s an idea, mail them out with welfare checks. It ain’t gonna cose the government $650 million in stamps and paper to do that. You’ve got the best minds in the country up there and you can’t find a way to get a converter box to people for under $650 million? Maybe the money for this should come outta your salaries then, moronic fucksticks.
• $88 million for the Coast Guard to design a new polar icebreaker (arctic ship).
Why? WHY WHY WHY? You wanna know what’s up there? I’ll fucking tell you. SNOW. That’s it. Newsflash: Megatron isn’t encased on some polar icecap. There’s a weather station, an American flag, and a whole shitload of snow. Don’t waste my time with this fucking ice breaking boat shit.
• $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.
I won’t claim to know too much about real estate prices wherever it is they’re buying but this may be legit. Which leads us to our next point…
• $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.
Fuck. No. This is a recession assholes, go to ikea like the rest of Americans right now. Right now, the government is among the poorest of us and I have no sympathy for this piece. I guarantee if you gave me the specs of what you need, 3,000 allen wrenches, 14 Mexicans, and one 1988 Aerostar van, I could have this done for under $500,000. Fact.
• $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees.
“Federal Employees?” Like, every single one of them? Come on, can you be a little more specific here? I realize that now that the dems are in power we’re gonna be focusing on global warming and all that but $600 million for hybrids for federal employees doesn’t seem to be in the “spirit” of the stimulus, it sounds like Pelosi wanted that new Hybrid Escalade and felt like if she was gonna get one than she’d have to bring enough for the class. It costs $77,195 fully loaded. Do you have any idea how many $600 million would buy? It’s nearly 8,000, and that was the most expensive hybrid I could find. This is a travishamockery if I’ve ever seen one.
• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD’s.
It’s called Student Health at college, they don’t need $400 million, just enough antibiotics and ointments to get by. Oh yeah, and how about this, $400 million to tell morons to use a fucking condom if she’s making you pay for it.
• $1.4 billion for rural waste disposal programs.
So Billy-Bob and Norma-Jean have a new place to put their 4 cars on cinder blocks? Most of the waste rednecks make they just put on their crops and we eventually end up eating it. The only things they can’t recycle are marlboro butts, broken gun parts, and overheated tractor engines. Is $1.4 billion really necessary for that? I think the answer is fairly clear. My counter – proposition is simple. We take a couple million, buy a huge flatbed boat, and take all the the South’s garbage, put it in transit, and dump it in Mexico. That’s like half of the rurual area right there. What are they gonna do about it? We could even trade them trash for immigrants, it’s not like they aren’t coming over anyway.
• $125 million for the Washington sewer system.
With the amount of shit congress is about the drop on America in the next 4 years, this is a good idea, we may even want to reinforce it with more.
• $150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.
Newsflash #2: except for high school field trips, and foreign tourists, nobody goes there. Let it be.
• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has a projected cost overrun of $3 billion.
Does this blow your mind also? More than $3 billion, just to find out how many people there are in America? My head hurts, fine, take your billion, but so help me you better get it right.
• $75 million for “smoking cessation activities.”
If they don’t wanna stop, you aren’t going to make them. Give me the money, I will pay large men to break into their houses in the dead of night and tell them if they don’t quit smoking within 6 weeks, that he will be back to sodomize them. This will be WAY more effective.
• $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.
Insert any elitest insult towards the poor and/or uneducated here.
• $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.
You’re a government employee, being underpaid is part of the job, you’re not Olivia Dunham, quit bitching.
• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction.
I’m sorry, did you say tribal? Does that mean this is for all those Native Americans with substance abuse problems who work at casinos? If so, allow me to hang my head in shame at you.
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Okay, now that that is done, let’s discuss the merits of this. A brief history lesson is in order. British land here in various stages between 1620 and 1700. By 1700 we’re fairly set up as a colony. The British government doesn’t recognize the property rights of anyone who isn’t a Christian (see also: Crusades), thus the Native Americans do not actually own their lands. In an effort to be fair, instead of just annexing (which they also did fairly often anyway) the Brits bought the land from the Native Americans for a few coins, some blankets, and smallpox. Since then the Native Americans have been steadily marched, moved, relocated, or slaughtered in order to provide more space for an expanding America. Finally the US gov’t gave them pathetically small parcels of land and promised that those would be sacred ground for them, and that the gov’t wouldn’t be taking anything more from them. I’m quite sure this pleased the Native Americans, most of whose tribes had already been completely wiped out. A nomadic hunter/gatherer people confined to one set area which may/may not have afforded them all the amenities they required to maintain their lifestyle. So what do they do? What anybody would do when they don’t have the resources to provide for themselves, they get others to provide for them, by setting up casinos. And with the casinos came addictions to drugs and alcohol. So, essentially, the government is now trying to say, “Sorry we stole your land, wiped you out, led you down the Trail of Tears, and stuck you in the middle of a dessert, here’s a nicotine patch and an AA counselor.”
Pathetic.
• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.
I will confess I don’t know about this, does the Mississippi have a history of flooding, I couldn’t find anything to suggest it does, so how about this, take that $500 million and actually fix the dikes in New Orleans, which haven’t even been re-engineered, much less reinforced, since the city was flooded.
• $10 million to inspect canals in urban areas.
No. Next.
• $6 billion to turn federal buildings into “green” buildings.
I get the green kick but no, $6 billion is way too much, you can have 2.
• $500 million for state and local fire stations.
To do what? And what is a state fire station? How can a fire station be anything but local? The whole idea is that you get to the fire asap. How on earth does a state fire station operate unless they have fire engines like the MIB black Ford.
• $650 million for wildland fire management on forest service lands.
For what? So Smokey the Bear can move to Park Avenue? Get the fuck outta here with your wildland fire management. for $650 million you could install a fucking sprinkler system in all of Yellowstone national park virtually ensuring that a fire would be put out in moments.
• $1.2 billion for “youth activities,” including youth summer job programs.
They’re still gonna do crack, fuck em. What are youth activities anyway? Can anyone tell me?
• $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.
I guess we’ve at least gotta look like we’ve got a handle on public health.
• $412 million for CDC buildings and property.
And property? Is the fucking parking lot cracked? And $412 million? We can do the headquarters of Public Health for 88, why should you get almost 4 times as much? Just because Dustin Hoffman saved us from the Motaba Virus doesn’t mean you should get special treatment.
• $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.
Better idea, take that $500 million and give it to researchers so instead of having a nice marbal floor next door to the shithole known as fucking Baltimore, we may actually cure diseases like cancer, AIDS, lupus, and stupidity.
• $160 million for “paid volunteers” at the Corporation for National and Community Service.
You know what a “paid volunteer” is? It’s a fucking employee. You want the government to pay your salaries. How about this: no, but nice try asshole.
• $5.5 million for “energy efficiency initiatives” at the Department of Veterans Affairs National Cemetery Administration.
You know, normally I’d be mocking this, but they’re just asking for $5.5 million, compare that to the $88 million dollar boat or the $246 million dollars worth of movies producers can buy and this doesn’t look so ridiculous.
• $850 million for Amtrak.
Motherfucker for what? You’ve already got rails, switches, trains, stations. I realize you need to do repairs, and ideally you’d employ people who got outta 8th grade, but for $850 million, you gotta throw me a bone here and make me a pretty compelling case by saying what for.
• $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.
Are you just going to mail it to China with a note that says “Please take this money and stop putting lead in paint”? Notice the wording also, “reducing the hazard“, we’re not going to reduce the amount of lead based paint we use, just the hazardous effects. Here’s a fucking thought: $100 million for advertisements for acryllic paints, which aren’t toxic.
• $75 million to construct a “security training” facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies.
THIS ONE CLEARLY STATES THAT IT’S BLATANTLY UNNECESSARY. THEY CAN BE TRAINED AT EXISTING FACILITIES OF OTHER AGENCIES. WE CAN WORRY ABOUT THIS LATER, THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IS SKYROCKTING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
• $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems.
They will just try to have sex with the computers, you are basically masturbating onto this money, then lighting it on fire. Farmers + Technology = either Cyborgs or just white sticky computers.
• $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.
Hold on, what does this even mean? What military installations? Why do we need alternative energy vehicles for this? Do we do “military installations” often. I assume so otherwise why would we care this much about finding alternative energy vehicles for them. If we are doing them this often then I think we all have a right to know what they are, and how many channels they’re getting. If Private Parts in Fort Dix is getting HBO and Skinimax because the military fios truck runs on cold fusion, then damnit i should too.
So there we are folks, I’m inclined to agree that a great many of these additions are not only not time-appropriate, but downright foolish and stupid. Surely, President Obama will take one look at this and strick most of these out in the interest of 1) passing this “much needed emergency” stimulus packing in a timely fashion and 2) common sense. Yeah. We’ll see.
That’s all for now kiddies, back to the excitement of law school,
Ptown