You Can’t Spell Crap Without Rap

The following is a list of 10 rappers who, in this author’s humble opinion, the world would be a far better place without, as well as why.  Most of the readers of the blog are probably going to disagree with this post.  But hey, fuck you.

10. Kanye West
pros: good fashion style, able to keep good rhythm, not afriad to voice ignorant political opinions
cons: sends horrible message to urban youth, songs largely offensive to morality/intelligence, voices ignorant political opinions
I basically blame Kanye for most of why rap sucks nowadays.  He more or less pioneered this new wave of rap.  Truth be told he isn’t the worst out there, and although I find his music pretty distasteful I’m more upset that he paved the way for rap to suck than anything else.  Additionally, I’m not sure that he even reads through the lyrics given to him before he starts rapping them.  Examine with me this lyrical oddity from Homecoming:

“I met this girl when I was three years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She said, “Excuse me little homie, I know you don’t know me – but,
My name is Wendy and, I like to blow trees”.

Is he insinuating that he knows 3 year olds who smoke pot?  Or maybe she was older, and he just associated with older girls who confessed marijuana habits to 3 year olds.  Or is he just a no talent ass clown like Michael Bolton? You decide.
College Dropout was wildly popular despite it’s “satirical” message that poor children shouldn’t bother going to school because a degree won’t help you get anywhere in life.  When your target audience already believes that, saying it, however ironic you intend it to sound, is just a bad idea.  You can’t expect shamikqua and deseanjohn to understand complex ideas like satire and irony considering they’re poised to graduate high school and still struggle to get through The Best Of Clifford: The Big Red Dog.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Warren G

9. Eminem
pros: brought legitimacy to white rap, decent actor, very emotional and honest lyrics
cons: is a big pussy, pretends to be a hardass but in reality is another whiny bitch with mommy issues, probably has early onset ED
I think we can all agree that Eminem’s breakout album was pretty amazing.  But we were all looking for him to move forward from there.  Instead, he kept producing the same whiny shit.  At this point, I just don’t care if Kim was a slut, your mom did drugs, or that you think you’re a good dad.  We get that your childhood was fucked up, we don’t care.  We expect you to entertain us, not to just keep bitching about your baby mama.  Lord knows we all have ex’s we’d like to see disappear…
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Kurtis Blow

8.The Game
pros: catchy beats, interesting theories about potentialities for combining car parts, hates Young Gunz
cons: blatantly an idiot, has poor grammar, what seems to be a second grade education, and trouble forming sentences correctly
“This is how we do, we make a move and act the fool while we up in the club” – This is one of the most poorly constructed lead lines to a verse that I have ever encountered.  While putting Lambo doors on the Escalade is a fascinating idea, it does lead me to believe that The Game is simply another moron who happened to get shot in the hood, probably while committing armed robbery.  What is really infuriating about him is he has a chance to actually make a difference and he is just wasting it.  Here is a guy who came from nothing, now has more money than he has ever seen before, and instead of doing ANYTHING to help his community out, he is instead flaunting the fact that he has money and others do not.  He is not only a waste of time, space, and oxygen, but he is also a horrible role model to…well just about everyone.  Also his self-applied stage name makes jeff bilsky look like tucker max.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: the Wu-Tang Clan

7. T-Pain
pros: keeps a lower profile than his moronic counterparts
cons: he sings that unGodly terrible song “Buy U A Drink”, has the fashion sense of Ronald McDonald, can’t enunciate, and acts as though he was repeatedly dropped on his head starting at birth and ending around last week.
While T-Pain doesn’t seem to be in the media as much as most of the other degenerates on this list, he still appears on the radio more often than I care for.  I’m sick of whiny R&B/Hip Hop singers with piss poor lyrics, modulated voices, and no soul.  Do you think the greats of R&B would appreciate the music you make?  Would Teddy P approve of you?  Would Al Green want to be featured on your album? I think not.  I think they would jizz on your album, light it on fire, and spend the rest of their lives trying to convince people that what you do and what they did are not in the same category of music.  And then they would get laid, because their music is awesome, and yours sounds like a yappie dog going through a garbage disposal, which is more or less where you belong.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: ice cube

6. Jay-Z
pros: hot wife, discovered Rihanna, apparently does a great deal of charity work/donating, good producer
cons: can’t keep a beat to save his life, sold out about as hard as anyone in rap history, endorses “real” ganstardom, doesn’t seem to understand that this is not a positive quality
While many on this list declare themselves to be gangstas or talk about how wonderful it is to live the life of a gangsta, Jay-Z seems not only to have started setting that lifestyle at a young age, but he is by far the biggest monetary success and yet least talented person to come from his area.  He attended the same high school as Biggie and Busta, but is the only one of the three to not graduate.  Apparently, Mr. Z was too caught up in slinging rock to graduate, a wonderful role model for all those young thugs out there.  On a personal note, I imagine he plays the skin flute like Don Bailey and probably diddles little boys.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Easy-E

5. Young…Anything (Buck, Gunz, Bloodz, pick your autistic retard)
pros: at least their antics are comical, Young Gunz hate the game
cons: they are, as a group, inherently dangerous to human life (Gunz and Bloodz through stupidity, Buck through knives, and stabbing weapons)
It’s well known that Young Buck stabbed that dude at the VIBE awards.  While I do believe that the less people inclined to attend the VIBE awards the better, I cannot say that I think stabbing someone was warranted because Dre refused an autograph.  Young Gunz hate The Game, Lord knows why, but it shows at least some intelligence on their part.  Unfortunately, they chose to hang around Beanie Sigel instead, which not only nullifies that shred of intelligence, but pretty much solidifies that they do, in fact, have about as much sense as Henry Earl.  In June of 2006 Youngbloodz was arrested for drug charges.  This alone simply cannot be enough to warrant selection to this list as doubtless every single person here has not only engaged in copious narcotic use but the majority have probably been caught doing so.  Youngbloodz is guilty by association.  They hang out with Lil’ Jon, of the “sweat drip down my balls” fame.  If you think about it, naming your self/group “young” anything was enormously stupid to begin with.  By nomenclating yourself in this fashion, you have basically said that not only have you not reached puberty yet, but your testicles have either not descended or you have smoked/snorted them to shriveled up levels.  Also you have no future once you have been around long enough to no longer be considered young.  Or maybe you just expect to die in some sort of epic rap feud… either way, at least you’ll be gone soon.

4. Chamillionaire
pros: only has 1 annoying song on the radio
cons: has never been arrested for ridin’ dirty, despite my multiple attempts to call the cops on him, prompted Weird Al to write a parody song
If the cops were really trying to catch him ridin’ dirty, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be too hard for them to do so.  The only logical conclusion is that he is a liar.  He is so desperate to be important, to be a celebrity, to be in the news that he has to make up fake police interest.  He is no better than Joe Biden during the presidential campaigns.  Despite all his lunacy, his repeated attempts to do something so boneheaded, so outrageous that people would simply HAVE to pay attention to him, nobody cared.  In reality, the Chamillionaire has done absolutely nothing to separate himself from every other rapper from the south who’s only qualifications to be a rapper are that he is a failure at everything else…see also:

Big Tymers
Choppa
JT Money
Petey Pablo
Silkk the Shocker
and much, much more

In my dreams I see these one hit fiascos bagging my groceries are the Korean supermarket around the block, and I firmly believe that at some point I will see them putting dumplings in a bag for some old lady.   Or posibly hawking flame, the scent for meat lovers because they’ve wasted all their money on tooth bijoux and platinum cock rings.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: the Beastie Boys

3. 50 Cent
pros: he keeps in shape
cons: everything that you dislike about Darkman X, with nothing redeeming, has a Michael Strahan tooth gap (seen here), has attracted a crew of people arguably less intelligent than him, and willing to follow him, scary stuff
Nothing i say can top what Stewie Griffin has already said about Mr. Cent: “I say, 50 Cent wouldn’t know a proper lyric if it crawled up his ass and brought him to orgasm through prostate stimulation.  Here is a grammatical curiosity from 50 Cent’s ‘Wanksta’ – We in the club doin’ the same old two step, gorialla unit, cuz they say we bucked out cuz we don’t go nowhere without toast.  Well, good luck finding the subject and predicate of that run-on sentence.  And what the bloody hell does it mean ‘we don’t go nowhere without toast?’ Now you listen to me Mr. Cent, you wanna make it in this business? Lay off the Doobie.”  Best case scenario, 50 Cent issues an apology to English teachers across America and fades out of celebrity status faster than Milli Vanilli.  Worst case scenario, 50 cent marries into my family and I’m forced to listen to him talk forever, and possibly deal with his prodigeny.  One of the thousands, I am sure.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: Doug E. Fresh

2. TI
pros: steals beats from entertaining songs
cons: hangs with weezy, excessively shiny forhead, ugly sunglasses, needed a stunt double to rollerskate

You know TI, he’s the guy who ripped off the O-Zone (Romanian Backstreet Boys) song Dragostea Din Tei to make his song Whatever You Like. He was also in the smash hit ATL, in which he skates around and rides more pole than Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me (which grossed more than ATL, which speakes volumes as to the film’s quality).   Admittedly, TI is a celebrity who i do not know very much about.  So, for possibly the first time in my life I will choose to err on the side of leniency.  I will say this, wake the fuck up assnuts, do something with your life.  Right now all you do is strut around, looking like a homo, trying to be fashionable but failing miserably.  Hopefully for you there is still time to turn your life around, time to become a contributing member of society.  If you are absolutely embedded in that lifestyle, however, allow me to say this.  You are going to alone and miserable because you will spend all your money by the time you are 30, you won’t be popular because some young upstart will coo and woo the ladies better than you.  You have no fall-back talents and no 401K.  You will fade out of the public eye like MC Hammer, and after your money is gone you will see the error of your ways, but it will be too late sir.  Too late.  And believe me, I will be smiling when it happens.  I won’t know exactly when because I won’t have heard about you for a long time, but one day, many years from now, when you have long since ceased to be in the public eye, I will think to myself…It’s nice to have a career and a future, unlike that joker, and that will be the last time you ever cross my mind.  Also, if i get into any sort of position of authority I will also attempt to have all your cds burned, and I don’t mean copied.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: salt n’ pepa

1. Weezy
pros: still trying to find one
cons: makes the worst music on the planet, poor dental hygene, can’t seem to find pants that fit, or a barber willing to break out a weedwacker
Weezy is simply awful incarnate.  I cannot even look at pictures of him without throwing up in my mouth, when his songs come on the radio i am driven to petition the government to issue me a one line constitutional amendment declaring that killing Weezy by shoving bamboo spikes under every nail in his body is no longer cruel and unusual punishment, drawing and quartering also comes to mind.  In reality, what is cruel and unusual is what he calls music.  Examine, if you will, a Weezy song with me.  I give you, “Black Republican”

I’m Feelin like a Black Republican.

I doubt that very much sir.  Very much indeed.  But please, continue.

Tote a mac in da public and act so southern.

Well, maybe you are a republican after all.  You seem to have all the same ideals, possessing and displaying automatic weapons in public was a platform for Huckabee last year.  Wildly popular in the south from what I hear.

die for my brotheren

I’m not sure you have done anything ever to convince me that you care about anybody other than yourself, much less would die for them.  Except maybe Colonel Sanders.

money money money like Money Mack and Publishing.  One life to live never ask for a mulligan

Chance that your fans will understand a golf reference…approximately 284,175,034 – 1

Streets cold but the heat make ya feel covered and been had cake day late like Ed Sullivan

I’m sorry. What?  Been had cake day late like Ed Sullivan.  Pardon me for finishing up remedial grammar but Fuck the Heck does that line even mean?  Also if the streets are cold but the heat makes you feel covered, doesn’t that imply that it isn’t cold?  This is so bad it makes me hurt, better move on before my head explodes.  This is like trying to decipher what a 3 year drew when they ask you if you like their artwork.

Fly like a eagle but no, I’m not Donovan.  Boy ya better go eat some soup wit your mom and dem

Who is dem?  Does dem have soup too?  I hope so, apparently the streets are cold, and although the heat will make them feel covered, I’m sure that soup will help.  And how you gonna bring the man’s mother into this?  That’s low.  Even for a man with a gold mouth.

And my mind is on anotha continent

Really?  How did you just transition from making fun of Donovan McNabb and his mother for the Chunky Soup commercials to your mind being on another continent.  I think we all have to assume you mean Africa, because you aren’t clever enough to allude to anything else.  But where is this going?  I’m sure the next line will clear it up for us, because Weezy, you lost me.

I am real Cash Money no counterfeit

Well, as expected the whole other continent idea is now clear as day.

I don’t parking lot pimp

You don’t parking lot pimp?  Well that’s lovely.  Do you pimp in any other locations?  Are you a hotel lobby pimp?  Or perhaps a convenience store pimp?  Do you sandbox pimp?  Maybe a national state park pimp?  We, the people, want to know.

I just politic

What exactly do you mean?  What have you done politically recently?  Are you now the mayor of grilltown?

But I get all in her mouth like Polident

………….. Okay I’m back from hurling in the bathroom.  I know that there is such a thing as poetic license, but 1) he’s not a poet and 2) it’s likely he doesn’t know that polident goes between the dentures and the gums.  Unless he has a firehose in his silk boxers, he isn’t that forceful with his manhood.

New Orleans’ Representa to the enda.  Come from the city where the glitta don’t glimma

Of all the things to say about New Orleans, you call it the city where the glitta don’t glimma?  How about the city of reputedly corrupt politics?  The city of FEMA failure?  The city of poorly engineered dikes?  No, it’s the city where the glitta don’t glimma.  Why doesn’t the glitta glimma?  Is it faux glitta?  This city sounds terrible.  Give me a city where the glitta glimmas over one where it doesn’t anyday.  Next thing you’ll tell me that in New Orleans condoms don’t prevent pregnancy or STDs.

the sun don’t shine and the gunz don’t sleep

So it’s dark and cold, but the heat covers you.  Maybe the glitta don’t gimma because there is no sunlight.  This city is dark and there is constant gunfire, is everything I have heard about New Orleans a lie?

wake a nigga ass up like he got somewhere to be!

Oh man, I could not have asked for you to put it better. You sleep in because you have nowhere to be.  You have nowhere to be because you have no desire to get a respectable job (and no, right now I do not believe he has a respectable job).  Maybe you should set an alarm and wake your own ass up, find somewhere to be, and get your own ass there you useless waste of nappy hair and tattoo space.
The only glimmer of hope I have is that you are stupid enough to do something to get yourself arrested in the near future.  So until that day I will be praying for headlines telling me you’ve been discovered driving down the street with automatic weapons and pounds of cocaine.
would gladly sacrifice to have a comeback by: DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

This post was longer than I intended.  I will try to be more concise in the future.  You stay angry San Diego.

ptown